The bar is too damn high, my quest for future bae

I’m fortunate in that I’ve been in several multi-year relationships from age 16 to 28. In series vs. parallel mostly. Kidding. I’m super loyal once I’ve executed the contract. I commit serial monogamy for those of you that need to label and put humans into buckets.

I just got out of my greatest one yet at the tail end of last year. The rule of thumb is it generally takes about half the length of the relationship to recover. i.e. ~3.5 year relationship, 1.75 years to fully recover. I don’t know how scientific that heuristic actually is, but it seems to be directionally correct as I’m about yay recovered, almost a year in.

I say greatest in terms of personal growth for both parties, milestones and compatibility achieved. Not to add to the list of things to be insecure about, but I’m a “voice guy”, and she had a great voice. To continue offering a frame of reference to the severity of my happiness: she used to call me “Papi”. We raised a ferocious puppy together. We nested across state lines and established multiple abodes. We were to the point of nonverbal communication: friends would comment that it felt like we were having conversations on top of conversations, because we were.

She was beautiful inside and out, supportive in my artistic and professional endeavours, charismatic, and intelligent. She shared my taste for trap music and humor so dry you wonder if there is any tonic in there at all. If this seems like a one-sided review, you should know that this isn’t a review. I’ll also never speak poorly of an ex, as that’s just not who I am. I don’t have anything poor to say outside of the normal, reactive exit wounds of a slow fade into two driven people with different objectives and incentives for their late 20s.

Neither one of us were ready for the next leg in many ways. If I had to critique myself, I made too many selfish bets in the direction of ‘it’s not going to work out’ too early on. These bets influenced how I spent my time. I guess I bet in the right direction, but the chips I pushed might have influenced the outcome. Who knows?

I also started to believe the fear that “us" was antithetical to building a company until it became reality. In the last third of our time together, I buried myself more and more in my work and she took the route of creating an alternate life, perfectly normal responses for people with separate paths.

We are on good terms, we communicate only logistically and out of necessity. I’m not clinging to the past in any way. It felt like an entire lifetime condensed into a favorite film that I’m happy to have been cast in. I’m too rational and power hungry to cling to any sort of hope for reunion or to allocate any resources in that direction. You could also say that she was ‘Summer’, and I’m looking at her positive traits as a leading indicator for ‘Autumn’.

I’m just trying to express that it’s all relative from this relationship in my life. The bar for interesting to me is now pretty damn high, but frankly I like it up there.


Now read this

Unicorn Diaries Part 1: Stanford or Morehead?

Let’s rewind to 2007 at NCSSM. My friend Mike Mian 07’ strolls into a room full of my hallmates and calmly lobs a grenade of a question: “Should I go to Stanford or take the Morehead scholarship?”. The gut response from teenage boys is... Continue →